I am writing this in mid-April, 2020, when the COVID-19 pandemic has brought life around the globe to a standstill. It is impacting all of us to one degree or another; between your routines being shaken up, social distancing and isolating at home, worrying about friends’ and family members’ well-being, and facing economic challenges and uncertainty about when this will all end – this situation is testing all of us. The concepts and tips I share below are useful and applicable in any season of life, but particularly right now. In this post, I cover what self care is (and is not), why it’s important, and I provide a simple framework you can use to create your own custom self care plan.
What Self Care Is, and Is Not
Self care is, first and foremost, a deliberate practise. It’s the collection of things you do intentionally and consistently to support your own mental, physical and emotional well-being. Everyone’s version of self-care is different, depending on individual needs and preferences.
Self care is not a one-off event. It’s not self-indulgence. It’s not pushing yourself to improve by using self-criticism and judgement. And it is absolutely not selfish or self-centred.
Why Self Care is Important
Self care fuels you. It recharges your metaphorical batteries, allowing you to bring more of yourself to all areas your life – your work, goals, passions, hobbies, relationships, and mission are all impacted by the level to which you care for yourself. True self care fuels performance and productivity without compromising your well-being; it’s a win-win!
Self care increases your resilience. Each of us has a ‘Window of Tolerance.’ As described by Daniel Siegel, author of MindSight, our Window of Tolerance is the optimal zone of arousal in which we can function, thrive, and cope with the daily stressors and challenges of life. During periods of prolonged stress, however, our Window of Tolerance can shrink. We shift into survival mode, and it becomes much easier for us to get knocked us off-balance, either to a state of hyperarousal (psychology-speak for feeling angry, anxious, overwhelmed, out of control, prone to distraction, and/or hyper vigilant) or hypoarousal (feeling spacey, zoned out, numb, frozen, shut down, and/or an inability to focus). Sustained hyper- and hypoarousal both lead to exhaustion and poor cognitive function, which makes us feel even worse. Self care helps us break the cycle by widening our Window of Tolerance, which in turn increases and our ability to handle challenges and function effectively in the world.
Creating a Custom Self Care Plan
Think of self care as having two components: proactive self care that sets your future self up for wellness and widens your Window of Tolerance, and responsive self care that soothes and grounds you in moments when you feel hyper- or hypoaroused and need to re-balance and return to your Window of Tolerance.
It’s much easier to follow through on a self care activity when you’ve planned for it ahead of time, rather than trying to conjure it during a moment of stress and need. Thinking proactively about your self care during a period of relative calm will make you much more likely to follow-through on those activities when you most need to.
Here’s how to develop a plan for each.
Proactive Self Care
Divide a piece of paper into 3 columns. Label the first column ‘Non-Negotiables,’ the second ‘Do More’ and the third ‘Do Less.’
Column 1. List your Non-Negotiables. These are your self care foundation; your cornerstone habits that you know are important because when you don’t do them, you feel off. Only list things here that you are committed to doing regularly. Write the activity and the required frequency, e.g., getting 7 hours of sleep daily, drinking 2 litres of water daily, and exercising three times per week minimum.
Column 2. List your ‘Do More’s.’ These are the things you want to do more of because they always make you feel better. These are the cherries on top of your self care cake. You know the things on this list are good for you, and you want to do more when you have time. E.g., journalling, swimming, and calling a family member.
Column 3. List your ‘Do Less’s.’ These are the activities you use to make yourself feel better, but that don’t serve your well-being or goals in the long-term, so you want to make sure to do them sparingly and mindfully. List them here with compassion, for awareness, and with no self-criticism or judgement. Every single one of us has things on this list, e.g., drinking wine, binging Netflix, or browsing social media in bed.
When writing your three lists, consider these 8 areas:
1. Sleep
2. Exercise
3. Food and Nutrition
4. Fun, Recreation and Relaxation
5. Outer Connection (connections with friends, family, partner and community)
6. Inner Connection (connection with your inner-self; your mind, emotions and spirit)
7. Physical Environment (work and leisure spaces, favorite places)
8. Career (job or business)
9. Finances (security, budget, savings and goals)
Responsive Self Care
On the reverse side of your paper, create another 3 columns. Label the first column ‘Flags,’ the second ‘SOS’ and the third ‘Support Network.’
Column 1. List your ‘Flags.’ These are the signs that you’re leaving, or have left, your Window of Tolerance. These are cues that you need to do a self care activity ASAP, e.g., your mind going blank or having difficulty making decisions, restlessness, tension headaches, an eye twitch, and feeling overwhelmed or intensely frustrated.
Column 2. List your ‘SOS’s.’ These are the reliable and fast ways that you know will get you back into your Window of Tolerance; they’re quick ways to calm down and resource up, e.g., deep breathing for 60 seconds, taking a walk around the block, splashing cool water on your face, taking a nap, or calling a trusted friend.
When identifying your Flags and SOS’s, consider these four categories:
1. Cognitive / Thinking
2. Physical Sensations
3. Emotions
4. Behaviours / Actions
Column 3. List your ‘Support Network;’ these supports are people or services who are trusted and readily available for you to call. These could be local organizations and help lines, your doctor, counsellor or coach, your employer’s Employee Assistance Program, and trusted, helpful friends or family members. It’s important that these are people with whom you feel comfortable opening up and being vulnerable. This list becomes your go-to in times when your SOS’s aren’t doing the trick, and you want or need extra support.
A Note About Self Compassion
Self care and self compassion are best friends. They build off of each other, and they work best together. Self compassion means not judging yourself for not executing your self care plan perfectly. Your self care plan is a strategy – a game plan – meant to be a resource when you need it. It’s not a rigid series of boxes to tick, because remember, self care is a consistent practise.
Go Forth Equipped With Your Self Care Plan
Consider yourself primed and ready to bring more self care into your life. Remember that self care is meant to support your emotional, mental and physical well-being, which in turn supports all other areas of your life.
Consider making a polished copy of your plan and putting it up somewhere at home where you’ll see it often, or where it’s easily accessible to you when you need it. Periodically review your proactive self-care plan and check in on how you’re doing. Retrieve your responsive self care plan when you feel yourself leaving your Window of Tolerance. Revisit and update your plans periodically, as your understanding of what works for you improves.
SOMETHING TO PONDER
What are three ways that upping your self care game will benefit you?
